Alex Schuman: Bootleg Bakeries

By
Alex Schuman

Summary

“Bootleg Bakeries,” outrageously explores what could occur to the obese if the U.S. government deals with the weight epidemic the same way it handled issues in the past. The play tells of an egg and milk smuggler, Redgaurd, who supplies Chicago’s largest bootleg bakery. When Redgaurd’s home is invaded by the IRS to repossess his belongings, the agents discover his hidden chickens and cow. Once in the grasp of the menacing Commissioner Callous, Redgaurd is used as bait to attract other bakery workers out into the open. After they play right into his hands, Callous moves swiftly to squash the lawbreakers. Not everything goes to plan for either side providing for the most unexpected cinnamon twist.

SCENE 2

(Redgaurd in a large puffy chair in front of his television sucking down a bowl of popcorn. He takes huge overflowing handfuls and forces them down his throat. When he chews, one or two kernels may fall out of his mouth. To his right is his front door. Directly behind him his a simple kitchenette. A small counter hides the stove, which is upstage of Redgaurd. Upstage left is his refrigerator, and there’s a door on the stage left wall. Several pounding knocks on his front door. Redgaurd freezes bug-eyed. More pounding knocks.)

REDGAURD

Uh, yeah?

IRS 1

Let us in Sir.

(More pounding knocks.)

IRS 2

We’re with the Internal Revenue Service.

(Redgaurd slides out his chair, and attempts, through the art of high lunges to creep towards the stage left door.)

Sir, we’re coming in either way!

(Redgaurd stops for a moment, but chooses to continue with his sneaky lunges. The IRS agents break down the door. IRS 2 has a wooden baseball bat in hand. Redguard lunges with expedience behind the counter.)

REDGAURD

(From behind the counter.)

What can I uh, do for you?

IRS 1

Can only avoid us for so long.

REDGAURD

What? What’s the problem?

IRS 1

You owe the government a little bit of money.

REDGAURD

Do not.

IRS 2

Don’t screw with us. We are fully aware of what’s been going on.

REDGAURD

Can’t prove anything.

IRS 2

(Vigorously shaking Redgaurd’s stomach fat, and shifting to his arm flab.)

Yeah? What’s this? Oh, and what’s this? Huh?! What is it?

IRS 1

(Takes a photo of Redgaurd with a bright flash.)

Evidence.

REDGAURD

I paid all my taxes. Mailed ’em myself.

IRS 2

You’re aware of our new obesity laws, are you not?

REDGAURD

Certainly. I don’t know much about them, but I thought it was a good idea. I voted for who the comedians liked.

IRS 2

Are you aware of the Practicality Act that just went into effect?

REDGAURD

Yeah, I have my diet card. See, I’m a Q. I can eat whatever I want.

(Removes a card with a large Q on it from his wallet.)

IRS 1

A Q. You’re a Q? Awfully big for a Q.

REDGAURD

I drink a lot of water.

IRS 2

You read the Practicality Act?

REDGAURD

No.

IRS 2

The Practicality Act is a reaction to the incredible weight put on the budget by having obese people in this country. Your extra calories mean extra medical costs for everyone. People felt they shouldn’t have to pay for someone, like yourself, to be unhealthy and therefore more sickly, when they were eating right and exercising.

REDGAURD

(Offended by IRS 2’s underestimation of his knowledge.)

I know all about that.

IRS 1

How come you didn’t pay your Fat Tax?

REDGAURD

My Fat Tax?

IRS 2

(Sinister.)

You’re Fat Tax. You owe thousands, you owe the American people who so gratuitously foot the bill for your big butt thousands upon thousands of dollars in flubbed grub. Who’s your dealer? Where you getting all this food?

REDGAURD

I buy it at the store.

IRS 2

Yeah you buy it at the store. Let’s take a look. Awful lot of eggs!

(IRS 1 takes a photo of the eggs.)

One, two, three dozen. Where these coming from? Q’s don’t get too many eggs. You should be chomping leaves and broccoli!

IRS 1

Relax.

(A chicken clucks. Redgaurd becomes bug-eyed again.)

IRS 2

What was that?

REDGAURD

Hm? I don’t—I have a little gas.

(A chicken clucks again. IRS 1 opens the stage left door. A bunch of clucks are heard from several chickens, but the chickens remain unseen to the audience. IRS 1 stares at Redgaurd who pauses before he pretends to be shocked.)

What…what is that?!

IRS 1

Chickens. In direct violation of Practicality Act section nine-A-four-twenty-two-period-twelve-five. Not only are we gaining possession of all your assets and finances, but you will be tried in a court of law.

(IRS 2 starts swinging the baseball bat into the chicken’s room. The sound of frantic chickens being hit is heard.)

Do you understand? We cannot arrest you, but the correct authorities will be alerted.

(IRS 2 comes out from the closet.)

IRS 2

Was it worth it? Being fat, was your glutinous rampage worth every calorie and lost date?

(IRS 1 moves upstage and makes a call on his cell phone.)

REDGAURD

Yes! Why not? I am fat and I’m proud. This is all me baby, and we’re going to get our rights back in this country. I haven’t gone to the doctor. I haven’t used the taxpayers’ money. I know the risk I put myself in, but every cupcake, every one of those delectable moments of ecstasy is worth it! Have you really eaten? God placed us on this Earth, and gave us a belly, and I will fill that belly with the foods God has given us! The Lords stomach itches to work, itches to be big. I cannot prevent my imperial organ from overtaking my urges! You cannot blame me! I am a victim of God’s cursed belly plague. Do not punish me, save me! Please, save me!

IRS 2

We have your doctor bills.

REDGAURD

I see.

IRS 2

Yes.

(IRS 1 hands up the phone and reenters the conversation.)

IRS 1

The police are on their way.

REDGAURD

How long will I get?

IRS 1

Two, three years.

REDGAURD

When I’m out we’ll hold rallies! We’ll do whatever we can to get our rights back.

IRS 2

Try not to crack the streets. It’d cost us more money.

REDGAURD

Hmm.

(He gets close to IRS 2.)

You’re angry. Very angry. What card do you have?

IRS 2

A D.

REDGAURD

No way! You’re not that healthy.

IRS 2

Twelve percent body fat.

REDGAURD

Prove it. You got your card?

(IRS 2 turns and reaches into his back pocket. The moment he does this Redgaurd grabs the wooden baseball bat, and flings it into IRS 2’s face frazzling him. Redgaurd takes the bat and hits IRS 1 knocking him to the ground. Redgaurd turns and whops IRS 2 to the ground. Police sirens are heard in the distance. Redgaurd lifts up a large puffy chair, which reveals a black square or trap door under the floor. Attached the bottom of his chair is a hinged board. A mooing sound is heard. Redgaurd grabs a rope appearing to stick out of the hole.)

Come Marta! You know I wouldn’t rush you if it wasn’t important!

(The cow angrily moos still unseen as Redgaurd pulls on the rope. Blackout.)

I hate you cow! I hate you!

(End scene.)