NEXT!
By
Alex Schuman
Copyright © Alex H. Schuman 2010. All Rights Reserved.
Settings:
Studio Boss’s office: desk and two chairs
Blank stage/audition space: two chairs
Time: Now
Production Notes
All of these characters can be female or male. The entire play could easily be performed with a cast of all men or all women. I originally wrote the piece with the assumption LISA and TOM would be played by the same two people throughout, and a different person would play each of the 14 other characters. However, the play is written to only require 6 performers.
I imagine the stage setup for the auditions as two chairs near the center of the stage, with TOM and LISA facing away from each other. The setup for the BOSS’s office would be a desk, which is suggested to be on wheels, and the two chairs facing the desk.
I also envision there would not be a need for full blackouts between auditions; instead making quick lighting switches at the end of each scene bouncing between LISA and TOM’s parts of the stage. If you think a full blackout better fits your production, go blackout crazy.
Scene 1
[Studio Boss’s office. Lisa and Tom are each sitting in a chair in front of Boss’s desk. His desk has the usual trappings of a boss’s desk. Boss speedily enters. He speaks fast and with confidence.]
BOSS
Good you’re here. I’m extremely busy today so I had to schedule you during my daily grooming. Hope you don’t mind.
TOM
[Taken aback.]
No sir, that’s fine.
LISA
What did you want to speak to us about?
BOSS
[Boss removes mouthwash and a glass from one of the desk’s drawers.]
I have news.
[He pours a little mouthwash into the glass and drinks it. He swishes it around in his mouth. Boss hits a button on his phone, which causes a buzzer to go off. His secretary enters stiffly holding a small bucket straight out in front of her. Boss speaks with the mouthwash still in his mouth.]
You’ll find it very important.
[Boss puts his face into the bucket and spits out the mouthwash. Secretary exits with the bucket still straight out in front of her.]
Tallulah Burngarden has been fired.
TOM
What?!
BOSS
I was just as shocked as you when I did it.
LISA
But Tallulah was the best casting director in Hollywood.
BOSS
[Boss opens up another drawer. This time he removes a box of Q-tips.]
Ah, she’s been puttin’ spots on zebras for months. I need stripes! And you two are gonna give ‘em to me.
TOM
How?
[Boss cleans his ears with a Q-tip.]
BOSS
How? How? You’re the how. I’m the why. The question is who, for what, by when.
[Boss holds the Q-tip with tweezers and burns it with a lighter. Tom and Lisa look confused.]
Don’t laugh. They’re after all our DNA—so they can put it on Google.
[Secretary enters wearing goggles and gloves with a small plastic bag. Boss places the Q-tip in the plastic bag.]
LISA
I don’t think that’s—
BOSS
[Boss slips out of his shoe behind his desk without the audience noticing.]
When: next week. What: the biggest movie Clichéd Pictures has ever made! It’s perfect for us. It’s unoriginal, over budget, and focus-grouped to death!
[Boss launches his foot up onto his desk with a thud. He pulls off his long black sock. Boss starts clipping his nails as he explains the plot.]
It’s the story of a poor brazen young man who wins a chance to ride on the world’s largest locomotive, the Gargantuan: the Unrustable Train! But onboard, he meets a beautiful woman in the dining car for poor people.
[Boss pulls out a small broom and dustpan. He sweeps up the nails. Secretary enters with a trashcan that has a shredder on it. She enters being followed by the long extension cord required. Secretary turns on the shredder and the Boss dumps the nails into it. Secretary quickly shuts it off and exits. All of this happens while Boss continues to explain the plot.]
She turns out to be the engaged daughter of a wealthy widow. They have a scandalous love affair. Suddenly…disaster strikes! The conductor in his quest to arrive ahead of schedule pushes the speed lever to its highest point. He could not fathom the grease-drenched gears would rust, but he had no idea there was a design flaw. The water tanks below—
TOM
Wait, you’re describing Titanic.
BOSS
Yes, but with a train! Our surveys show people loved Titanic and love trains. It’ll be the biggest picture since…Titanic! It’s your job to find me the stars.
LISA
We can do that.
BOSS
There’s a catch. I’ll be picking one of you to replace Tallulah as head casting director. Whoever brings me the best actors gets the job. You’ll hold open auditions. Understand?
TOM
Yes sir.
LISA
Absolutely.
BOSS
Good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to be waxed.
[Secretary enters with a long piece of waxing strip. Tim and Lisa look at each other. Blackout.]
Scene 2
[Auditions. Tom sits in a chair. Melissa enters. Her face is dirty, her hair messy, and she wearing an oversized blackened suit. Melissa is very sweet.]
MELISSA
Hi. How are you?
TOM
Hello. I wasn’t expecting you to dress in-character.
MELISSA
[Melissa pauses confused.]
I don’t understand.
[Beat.]
TOM
The way you’re dressed.
MELISSA
[Melissa laughed.]
Oh no, I’m in disguise. I can’t let my enemies know I’m here.
TOM
Your enemies?
MELISSA
[Whispers.]
It’s the University of Nebraska.
TOM
Of course it is.
MELISSA
I dropped out to become an actress and they’ve kept me from getting any jobs since I moved to L.A. They even bribed my mother into closing my bank account. Can you believe that?
TOM
[Dry.]
No, I can’t.
MELISSA
To think they’re spending all those other people’s money on getting me back. No wonder tuition keeps going up.
TOM
Yeah. Here I thought you had dressed-up for when the girl pretends to be poor.
MELISSA
What scene?
TOM
The girl pretends to be poor, but she’s really rich. It’s a scene in the movie.
MELISSA
[Suspicious.]
The lines I was given don’t say anything about that.
TOM
Yes, you were given lines to a different scene.
MELISSA
A different scene? Why was I given lines to a different scene? Are you trying to sabotage me?
TOM
No, no you’re confused.
[Melissa gasps.]
MELISSA
That’s what my mother said! You’re one of them. Where are the rest?
[Melissa looks all around the room.]
Where are the cameras?!
[Melissa shouts looking up in all directions. She believes the cameras are up in the ceiling, and is angry.]
I don’t want to be a lab technician! I’m an actress! I might only have this costume, from my first job as a chimney sweep in Mary Poppins—
MELISSA CONT’D
[Polite and gracious to Tom.]
Playing at Marble’s Café on Vernon Street, you should come.
[Looks back up into the air. Angry.]
But I will succeed!
TOM
Who are you talking to?
[She’s still looking all around above.]
MELISSA
I’ll make an example of him!
[Melissa looks and points at Tom.]
This
[Suddenly French and overdramatic.]
saboteur.
[She starts to move towards Tom.]
TOM
What are you doing? Get back. I’m not who you think I am!
MELISSA
[She stops, her eyes bursting with anger.]
Oh I know. You’re a Cornhusker!
[Tom screams as Melissa runs at him. Scene.]
LATER IN THE PLAY...
Scene 7
[Lisa is sitting her chair going over paperwork.]
LISA
[She exhales, exhausted.]
Could whoever’s out there please come in!
[Marge enters. Marge’s look blares, “tourist.” She has on tight bright neon pink shorts and a white shirt. She also has a camera around her neck and a visor on. She speaks with a thick Minnesota accent.]
MARGE
Knock knock. Are you the little birdie calling for me?
LISA
Are you next?
MARGE
Oh are you holding auditions?
LISA
Yes.
MARGE
Real Hollywood auditions?!
LISA
Yes.
[Marge takes a picture of Lisa sitting in the chair. She has a very bright flash.]
I take it you’re not an actress.
MARGE
Oh-ho, no. Me? An actress? I don’t like looking at myself in a mirror let alone on a forty-foot screen.
[Marge leans toward Lisa and talks in a softer tone but not a whisper.]
It’s my cellulite.
[Normal tone.]
I’d be walkin’ up to smooch Brad Pitt and it’d look like I left my leg out in a hailstorm.
LISA
I’m sure you’re exaggerating. Sorry about the confus—
MARGE
Oh I wish I was. I got on this big Fun Dip kick. Uh. Then they added a new lucky charm marshmallow and my tight caboose was caput. Seven children didn’t help neither. I’d never say it in front of him, but my Michael—came out lookin’ like a Drew Carey bean bag—just a ten pound ball of yeast. Took us ten minutes of peek-a-boo to make sure he was a boy.
LISA
Is there a reason you’re here?
MARGE
I’m on the tour! Gettin’ my glimpse of bein’ a real movie star. Crammed the whole clan into our matchin’ escalades and went west. Cost us more than a pretty penny I tell you.
LISA
I’m on a very tight schedule—and have to have this movie casted in a few days. It was wonderful meeting you, but please go back to the tour. I’m sure your guide is trying to find you.
MARGE
Oh I suppose so! I didn’t even think of the tizzy I’m causin’ that man. Hate to be a burden.
LISA
Thank you.
[Marge starts to exit, but then turns around.]
MARGE
Say, what movie are yah makin’?
[Lisa’s head drops. Lights dims.]
Scene 8
[Train Man stands in front of Tom dressed like a train.]
TOM
I hate to break it to you, but…we already have a train.
[Train Man makes the noise of a train releasing steam and deflates his body in disappointment, “Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Scene.]
Scene 9
[Lisa is trying to push Marge offstage. Marge is hunched over with her butt pointed toward Lisa. Marge has proven to be immobile.]
MARGE
I am bein’ a fickle pickle. You know—
[Marge jumps in excitement, knocking Lisa to the ground.]
that Nick Cage would be perfect as the poor boy.
LISA
You’re like a virus.
MARGE
[Marge helps Lisa up.]
Oh I wish. It’d be nice to live in an inanimate state until the proper proteins appeared.
[Lisa gives a confused look, but decides to let Marge’s odd comment pass.]
LISA
Nicholas Cage is a bit old.
MARGE
But the whole train’s a giant hallway and he’s so good at runnin’ through hallways. Give him a jacket and an excuse to be out of breath—you’ve got yourself another Cage classic!
LISA
Listen—what’s your name?
MARGE
Marge.
LISA
Marge, I HAVE—to get back to work. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE—just leave.
MARGE
Well I hate to hem and haw, but I got two more things.
LISA
Marge!
MARGE
I promise afterward there’ll be no shilly-shallying—I’ll be out like Shamrock Shakes on St. Patrick’s Day.
LISA
Ma’am you might be on vacation, but I’m working.
MARGE
Oh all right.
[She starts to exit, and turns back around.]
Say, you oughta get that Leonardo DiCappuccino.
LISA
DiCaprio? He was already in Titanic!
MARGE
Then it’s perfect! You wouldn’t even have to teach him the lines!
[Lisa falls back exhausted. Scene.]
EVEN LATER...
Scene 11
[Babushka stands in front of Lisa. She has an enormous nose, and is in all-out Russian garb. She speaks harshly.]
BABUSHKA
I come to America to be famous woman.
LISA
That’s very admirable. However—
BABUSHKA
I risk life—give up everything to be here.
LISA
Oh, well—
BABUSHKA
I had to sell all belongings except potted tomato plant to afford boat ride. Couldn’t take plane—cargo bay too expensive.
LISA
Everything you’ve done—
BABUSHKA
I had to walk from Siberia through North Korea to get to boat.
LISA
I understand it’s been extremely difficult, but—
BABUSHKA
Everyone on boat get sick. I drive boat across Pacific Ocean.
LISA
Don’t try to guilt—
BABUSHKA
Because I busy driving boat—tomato plant die.
LISA
I’m sorry, but—
BABUSHKA
My cat dead. Not relevant to trip, but sad.
LISA
I’ll put you in the movie! Just stop.
BABUSHKA
[Pause.]
I don’t do nudity.
LISA
[Horrified at the idea.]
We’ll work around it.
[Scene.]
Scene 12
[Tom is sitting. Pizza Pete enters.]
PIZZA PETE
Hey you order a pineapple and pastrami pizza?
TOM
No. Who would ever eat that?
PIZZA PETE
No one, but you believed it was a real topping combination.
TOM
Oh no.
PIZZA PETE
You are not gullible, sir. I—am simply that talented.
[Pizza Pete starts pulling tied together handkerchiefs through his hand (similar to the very famous multi-colored scarf trick magicians always do), and is clearly removing it from his pocket. It should be fairly unimpressive and short. As he removes the handkerchiefs he’s singing/mouthing instrumental circus music, “Dunt dunt duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, duh, duh.”]
Hazzah!
[He waves the three tied together handkerchiefs in the air. Pete starts doing a tap dance and shuffling his feet.]
But can he act you ask?!
TOM
Didn’t actually ask that.
PIZZA PETE
I can be serious.
PIZZA PETE CONT’D
[Squeezes his lips tight like he’s just eaten a sour grape fruit. He tries poorly tries to appear like he’s near-tears.]
I see dead people.
[Laughs as he speaks.]
Or, I can be comically straight-faced.
[Suddenly straight-faced.]
No soup for you!
[Lighter tone.]
Don’t call me Shirley!
[Pete gets down on one knee begging with a big grin.]
I’m a jack of trades,
[Pete pulls on his name tag when he says, “Pete.”]
but truly a Pete you can’t beat! (If female: a Jess you can’t suppress!)
[Pete winks and gives a thumbs-up still touting his big grin.]
TOM
Not interested.
PIZZA PETE
Not in the slightest?
TOM
Nope.
PIZZA PETE
Well then—
[Pizza Pete opens up the pizza box, which has graphics inside that clearly represent a pyramid scheme or pie chart. Pizza Pete removes a pointer from the pocket he didn’t pull the handkerchiefs out of.]
Can I interest you in a unique business opportunity?
[Scene.]
Scene 13
[Lisa sits in her chair. Zachary is standing in front of her.]
ZACHARY
Well?
[Pause.]
LISA
Well what?
[Lights dim.]
Scene 14
[Tom sits in his chair. An elderly Edna is hunched over her walker.]
EDNA
Just let me do it before you throw me out on the street like some Clem Kadiddlehopper!
TOM
[Exhausted.]
Ma’am, I don’t know what that is.
[Bonkers enters. Bonkers is preferably a girl decked out in a traditional clown outfit. She should have an obnoxious bike horn she honks every time a period appears in her dialogue.]
BONKERS
THIS. IS. LUDICROUS! I have been waiting for days! Bonkers doesn’t wait.
TOM
I haven’t seen you in the halls.
BONKERS
Oh, so you don’t feel I have a presence? How can you not notice me?! I’ve had to dress like this for over thirty years and now—I’m belittled for wanting to expand my horizons.
TOM
[Tom is irritated by Bonkers’ horn.]
You don’t interrupt another person’s audition.
BONKERS
Bonkers is tired! Bonkers is very tired! And nobody—likes a tired Bonkers.
TOM
Listen, you’re both going to need to leave. I can’t help you.
BONKERS
Oh, but I think you can.
[Edna rushes over and slams her walker down over Tom; barricading him into his chair. Note: It’s now obvious Edna is not old.]
TOM
What’s going on?
BONKERS
Sir, we’re with the University of Nebraska.
[Scene.]
