Alex Schuman: Some Somebody or The Story You Swear You Heard, But Haven't

Some Somebody
or
The Story You Swear
You've Heard, But Haven't

By
Alex Schuman

Copyright © Alex H. Schuman 2010. All Rights Reserved.

Summary

Some Somebody is a brash nonsensical tale that mocks, with love, the underdog cliché. It’s the story of a young boy who wants to decide the fate of American comical culture, and how the people he affects along the way deal with a vicious surprise.

Mel

You’re just gonna go up to a writer and say write me a show in less than a month?

Gilbert

Yeah.

Mel

Well…it’s not just that. You don’t have a name. Show’s like what you’re talkin’ about need a name attached to them.

Gilbert

I’ll figure something out. Give me the name of a writer.

Mel

Glute Papadick.

Gilbert

Who?

Mel

Glute Papadick.

Gilbert

Give me a real name.

Mel

That is his name. He writes me letters all the time.

Gilbert

Glute Papadick…I’ve never heard of anything he’s written.

Mel

He’s a film critic for the New York Times and does playwriting on the side.

Gilbert

Oh.

Mel

Yeah, I’ll give you his info after class.

Gilbert

Does he have any sort of nickname?

Mel

Yeah, Mamaballs.

Blackout.

Scene VII

Opens on a very nice, but very small apartment. Glute sits at his desk watching television screen vigorously writing on a yellow legal pad. There’s a series of knocks at the door. Glute angrily stares down the door. There’s another series of knocks. Glute takes his coffee cup and throws it against the wall smashing the cup.

Glute

What is that incessant knocking?!

Another series of knocks.

No more pamphlets! Solicitors will be tranquilized.

Gilbert

I’m not a solicitor.

Glute

That only works on me multiple times.

Gilbert

I’m Gilbert Gif. I spoke with you on the phone.

Glute

Oh, the idiot.

Stands, closes the left cabinet door and unlocks three separate locks before finally opening the door.

Sorry about that, there’s been problems recently with some Chinese restaurants coming in here, handing things out. You know how it goes.

Gilbert

Confused.

I can only imagine.

Glute

So, on the phone you had said something about wanting to be a writer?

Gilbert

Yes, I want to know the basics.

Glute

Why are you trying to write a one-man show?

Gilbert

That’s what’s going to make this particular show harder than the usual one man show. I’m trying to revitalize the industry.

Glute

Laughing as he speaks.

Uh huh. You caught me at the right time because I’m reviewing a movie.

Gilbert

I’m more interested in writing a play, not the film critic stuff.

Glute

Suddenly becomes serious.

But don’t you want to live forever?

Gilbert

I think most people do if they have the choice.

Glute

Well the film critic STUFF, as you so coyly referred to it, is only the greatest way ever for a man’s name to live on through the ages.

Gilbert

I don’t follow.

Glute

DVD cases. On DVD cases there are reviews by film critics that get plastered on. It’s so that in case someone hasn’t seen the movie, they will be able to see whom from what institutions enjoyed the picture. “A Magnificent Motion Picture,” says such and such of the this and that herald! I’m already on twenty-three different DVD cases, and all I’ve done is write a positive review for every movie to hit the rental disc junket.

Gilbert

Twenty-three?

Glute

Yes and a few of them are really popular.

Pulls three DVD cases off a shelf in the cabinet. He holds each on up after he reads the title.

The Yellow Seaman, Our Great Grandpa, When the Ink Was Low! You see, right there above the titles are my quotes.

Gilbert

“A glorious nudge in the side of America’s proletariat, they’re finally getting theirs! Says Glute Papadick of the New York Times,” The Yellow Seamen. “You’ll need some Tylenol for side aches, and a back up pair of pants to take part in this illustrious tale,” When the Ink Was Low.

Glute

Those will be there forever.

Gilbert

Looks like you’ve already hit it big.

Glute

I’m helping you.

Gilbert

Not yet.

Glute

And besides, don’t let this measly looking place deceive you. I’m much more important than you think.

Gilbert

Is this just your office or something?

Glute

No.

Gilbert

Then where’s your bed?

Glute

It’s right here.

Glute locks the cabinet doors, and pulls on the cabinet that falls revealing a hide-a-bed.

The cabinet is the bed.

Gilbert

It’s very nice.

Glute

I get quite a bit of action.

Gilbert

Listen, this is all interesting, but Mel told me that you did some playwriting and that’s what—

Glute

Mel?

Gilbert

Yeah, Mel Jimson.

Glute

The Mel Jimson?

Gilbert

I suppose.

Glute

Has he gotten my letters?

Gilbert

He mentioned them.

Glute

He mentioned them?! Can I meet him?

Gilbert

If you help me write a play.

Glute

You got it, anything to meet Mel Jimson.

Gilbert

Why’s he such a big deal to you?

Glute

He’s not a big deal to only me. Mel Jimson was one of Broadway’s great actors who never got their chance.

Gilbert

What do you mean?

Glute

He was everyone’s favorite understudy. He understudied for all the big names and shows. Mel was the backup performer for both Walter Matthau and Art Carney when they were in the original production of The Odd Couple, he was the understudy for Jimmy Stewart in Harvey, and was Carol Burnett’s for Once Upon A Mattress. Everything Mel Jimson prepared to do was brilliant, and Broadway loved him for it! You’re working under a master understudy.

Gilbert

I had no idea.

Glute

Now what do you want your show to be about?

Gilbert

I want it to be about everything, but at the same time nothing. I want anybody to get anything they want out of it.

Glute

So an adaptation of the Bible?

Gilbert

No.

Glute

A one man version of Vanna White‘s autobiography?

Gilbert

No.

Glute

You want something with timelessness.

Gilbert

Yes.

Glute

Pizzazz.

Gilbert

Yes!

Glute

Goofiness, but all at the same time this inherent sense of style.

Gilbert

Exactly!

Glute

We don’t make that anymore.

Gilbert

Why not?

Glute

Because we never did in the first place. What you’re talking about doesn’t exist.

Gilbert

Yes it does!

Glute

People think it does, but it’s imaginary. Why don’t you find a fairy to help you?

Gilbert

I already talked to Carlos Indigo. Please help me.

Glute

It’s not possible. People only see it because they’re wearing nostalgia goggles. Your want to be young again blurs how you see old media.

Gilbert

But I’m young now.

Glute

Well you’re a freak!

Gilbert

We can make something bigger than ourselves.

Glute

Speak for yourself.

Gilbert

All you do is sit around and watch movies—other people’s work. You attack, you don’t create.

Glute

I only write positive reviews. That’s not attacking.

Gilbert

Would you rather leave your mark on the world or in a chair?

Glute

Get out.

Gilbert

Help me for Mel.

Glute

You had to play the Mel card didn‘t you?

Gilbert

Sorry. And I sort of need it in less than a month.

Glute

Then let’s get started.

Glute grabs his legal pad, and they both look as if they are thinking. Pause.

I think illness is pretty funny. Especially fake illness!

Gilbert

I’m going to have to disagree.

Glute

No, no. I mean like…what if we have this guy that thinks he has a disease.

Gilbert

Okay.

Glute

But he doesn’t really have it. It’s borrowing a couple ideas from my own works, but I really think we could do something with that.

Gilbert

Where’s the comedy?

Glute

He’s not really sick. Because of this crazy doctor who can’t tell the truth.

Gilbert

Why can’t the doctor tell the truth?

Glute

Because he can’t.

Gilbert

I guess we could try it. It does let us use a lot of old style stuff like the doctor’s office and that’d lead to plenty of other stuff…I guess.

Glute

Yes, but no doctor’s office!

Gilbert

What other shows have you written?

Glute

The Not So Sickly Man, which is what we’ll use the general plot of. Then it’s sequel, Penis Penis Penis.

Gilbert

Huh. And those didn’t work out?

Glute

Yeah, but maybe we can salvage them.

Gilbert

What’s wrong with my doctor’s office?

Glute

There’s no doctor’s office in The Not So Sickly Man.

Gilbert

How is there not a doctor’s office?

Glute

He’s a traveling medicine man.

Gilbert

A traveling medicine man who can’t tell the truth and the man believes him? Is this a period piece, like did it take place in the 1880s?

Glute

No, I don’t see what’s wrong with not changing that. I mean, it’s the best scene!

Gilbert

Yeah. Pull it up on your computer and I’ll take a look.

Glute

Okay.

Gilbert

Awkward pause as Glute works on his computer.

So Papadick, what is that, Polish?